So I'm sure everyone has heard the saying "God won't give you more than you can take" (or something like that) Well yesterday was a true test to what i can take. Jesse appeared in all parts of my day and although it bugged the shit out of me I endured it and actually ended up having a pretty great day.

I woke up yesterday morning from a dream about him, then saw him on my way to work(which NEVER happens), after a couple stressful hours at work I attempted to blow off some steam on my lunch break and text my sister that I was "having a hard time with the break up today" BUT after sending that message I realized I sent it to Jesse instead.... how embarrassing!! Later on I went to white water for a beer and after having my fill of some guy giving me googly eyes i left and guess what song was playing on the radio when i started up my car... YEP Jesse's Girl. So in closing what a day what a day. But I was okay.

Some days have been hard. Some days I just wanted to lock myself in my apartment and listen to girls singing about their troubles with men and find a way to make each song relate to me and cry like a little worm. But I haven't. I've done this. BLOGGED! It's a little crazy i guess to tell strangers the intament details of my life but it helps to keep me honest about an aspect of my life that i normally lie to myself about. Putting it down in this blog captures even if in only 200 words how i felt. And I'm okay with looking a little crazy if it means that.

This is my last blog about Jesse.

Dating rebound!!!!

Well it's been 3 weeks since "the break up" and Ive been asked out by 7
different guys and not gone out with any of these boys because i just haven't felt ready yet. But this past week a guy asked me out that peaked my interest and I figured it wouldn't hurt to just try. Soo I went on a date with him last night. Right before said date i ran into the ex and guess what .... I didn't explode. The date wasn't that bad. I got to do things that I love like drink and smoke and didnt have to pay for any of it. (god bless those southern gentlemen) He didn't seem to be a douche but ya know every asshole I've ever dated didnt seem like an asshole at first either. But in the end he was, I dont know if it was the fact that he shaved his arms and legs or that he lied about his age or that he lives with his parents, but somehow I figured out the error of my ways and the lack of personal depth in his complete being. So in closing rebound done.

In and out

This blog is really helping me a lot right now.

i blocked my EX boyfriend on facebook today. Not to be a meanie but to help myself. I feel so abandoned right now.

I don't understand how someone can say that they would do anything to get you back one day and the next day (actually a few days later) when you are ready to try to make things right again they don't care.

It's sad.

But nothing that I do can change the way this person feels, so i must suck it up and go on.

When i wake up tomorrow I'm going to be happy, I'm going to get ready for work and be positive.

I'm going to tell everyone that i love that I love them and just breathe because that's all i can do.

But I'm not going to be sad anymore.

I'm not going to sit around wondering what if and having regrets because i don't have any.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Locking the Doors

I did the whole crazy jealous ex girlfriend thing the other day.:(

This may had been avoided had I not started drinking at 3pm on that day but i highly doubt that. So i lost it because this boy that I just broke up with because .. he did some pretty crappy things, this boy told me he loved me, would do anything to get me back and then there he was right in front of my face a week after our break up with his ex-girlfriend. Contrary to what people make think i am not stone and that hurt. As she looked at me and scratched his back i lost it.

There is somebody out there for me... this I'm sure of but i guess he just wasn't the one for me. I want someone who will fight for me because even though he can live without me he doesn't want to and is willing to do anything to make sure that he doesn't have to.

little child

I feel weak. Like a small child who wants something on a high shelf but can not reach it and there is no one around to help me get it.............. so I walk around the house looking for a things I can us as a ladder but i cant find anything but a ricidy old chair so i drag it through the house then i climb on top of it but its old and unstable so it breaks and i fall and no one ever comes home to help me.

Heartbreak is never easy. i never feel it at first. Heartbreak normally blindsides me and leaves me breathless. Right now I'm struggling for air.. i feel hot and the world is in a fog.

The only thing that takes me away is a bath. i think I'll go take 2.