Oh June

In two weeks I am going to see Virginia.

Im so excited.
Nervous.
Elated.
Worried.

I just wanna hold his hand and kiss him on the lips.

I dont know what is going to happen when I get there and we are face to face.

Maybe we'll hate each other. But I doubt that.

He is amazing.
If I had written a book before I met him that was filled with everything I thought I wanted a man to say to me, well this man would make that book obsolete in first week that i meet him.

Its crazy to think things will be perfect
I dont expect that at all,
but I am sure that they will be beautiful.
Thats all anyone can ever ask for.. a little beauty.

Doubts

Today I am doubting myself a lot. This comes as no surprise considering what day it is..... SUNDAY!

Oh Sunday how i loath you.

Last night my best friend told me I'm too self-conscious.
I guess that's true because when he said that I was "too" something it hurt my feelings a little.

I do worry about what i look like but i think everyone does.

Who out there is completely confident with every aspect of their being.

Some days I feel completely beautiful
other days I feel too fat, too tan, and too normal... with maybe a ting of too stupid sprinkled on top.

But who doesnt feel like that sometimes? I dont think its a big tragedy that this one day Im not sure about ME.
Its just something I want to say. That I need to remember.
I dont have to be perfect and I shouldnt try to be that way either.

So fuck you Sunday. Until next week my friend.

ok ok

my last post was so cry baby ish.

Its been less than an hour and already i feel better.

thank you lord for all the many blessing in my life.

who knows why

I have about 100 words in my mind but none I can speak.

I want to be reckless.

I want to be perfect.

I wanna be finished with school and make my family proud.

I want my own family.

I want to run away.

I wanna cry and not feel guilty about it.

I wanna kiss the face of my creator.

Im just a girl with dreams I'm too afraid to go after because I may fail.

Oh how I hate you SUNDAY! You always do this to me.

Spin me around and turn me inside out.

I've been taking a lot of pictures of myself lately.

I'm starting to realize I'm pretty.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

Did this just happen? and why?

I don't want to be this.

I'm the girl the makes you laugh not the pretty one.

upset

A rant about love by Sara Ewing

Okay so Ive drank a bit today and feel the need to relieve myself of some things that bother me through a beautiful rant.

I cant stand these people who are always breaking up and getting back together.
You all see it too.

On facebook book for example.

Marykate is single

Marykate is in a relationship with John Smith

Marykate is single

Marykate is in a relationship with John Smith.

okay so that was a little much but you get my point.

After breaking something so many times there is not going to be a way to fix it.

I have this vintage purse that I love. But its delicate and Im rough on it. I keep finding tears in it so i fix them with glue and thread but I continue to do the same things with it. The tears continue and I keep adding glue. before long the glue wont be enough. I know this and Im okay with it because its just a thing. Its not a relationship. Its not "love".

In closing, in my drunken state, in my ignorance, i say why? Why be in a relationship that is so fickle? in a relationship that makes you cry?

June

Dear June,


You are that first pair of shoes that I tied on my own.


The book with folded corners and coffee stains,


The lipstick on my teeth.


You are the song I do my special dance to.


You are my special dance.


I know you like i know the hobo outside of E-Z-Mart.


I treasure you like I treasure my first whiff of

honeysuckles in the spring.


I fear you.


I like fear.

Spring Break

This spring break was pretty great.

I took a break from not drinking just for the week.

Went to the Tavern for their soft opening and ate some yummy food.

Learned a new way to high five.

Slept in.

Had drinks poured in my mouth while I laid back.

Went to a good show at WWT and danced like a funky chicken.

The best part was meeting Virginia.

Thanks Virginia.

Fortune

The other day I felt depressed and then in the corner of my messy living room I saw a lonely scrap of paper from a fortune cookie.

It was alone and forgotten, like I sometimes feel, so I decided this fortune was going to make me feel better.

So i read this "Every person is the creation of himself, the image of his own thinking and believing"

So i got to thinking about how i was the one deciding to be upset and then I started feeling better.

Thank you God.

Here's a crazy thought

How about we all be honest.

All these lies are draining me.

Stop lying to me.

New DAYZ

Not drinking has brought so much positive to my life.


I really do feel so much better. I FEEL everything now.


But let me say this, because "this" is important, it's NOT easy.


At times going without alcohol feels like breathing


Then other times it feels like I'm trying to swallow nails


I think about how easy it would be to make that feeling go away.


Maybe a 6pack and a few shots, or a couple whiskey and diet cokes..


And then bam feeling gone.


All feelings just gone.


My high points are so good.


But my low points are equivalent to me being stuck in a pit with sand or rock or mud or hell maybe


even cow shit, piled on top of me and only the very tips of my index fingers are sticking out.


That tiny tip is freedom for me. That tip is hope.


That tip is my life being lived by me and not the stranger that steals my body when I've had too


much to drink.


So excuse me while i don't partake in drinking with you lonely man and hippy dirty girl or even you


handsome gentleman.


I would rather be covered up with shit in this pit with only a bit of fingers sticking out than give up a


second more of feeling every bit of my life.

Shreve

So a important ring of mine was flushed down the toilet this week.
This ring was given to me by someone I loved.
It's kinda great that it happened though.
Its as if God is forcing me to let go of this person. (thank you God)

i went on a day trip to Shreveport LA this weekend with my newest friend Leslie.

Shreveport it's self sucked

The "famous strawns pie" = yuck

The thrift stores = over priced and ugly

The boardwalk = had a dress barn!!!!!

time with Leslie = pretty amazing

driving my new car = fancy

the out door mural = wow!!

artspace = fun

I did find a nifty spoon ring to replace the ring I lost last week.

Something Ive realized; lots of people that i love do some pretty horrible drugs and hide it from me.

That's a big drawl back of being sober... you never really know who you are hanging out with b/c they lie to you about the bad things they do.

Who are you people??

New Letter

Today I got an email from the guy that I dated when I first started this blog. In the email he describes me as something quite wonderful and praises my beauty.

I do not feel all that wonderful or beautiful In fact I want to get a job as a server but I worry that Im not smart or pretty enough.

He is truly amazing. But just not for me in a romantic sense and Im okay with that. I love his friendship.

However that doesn't matter. He is taking his friendship away from me again because he cant honestly be okay with just being my friend.

Here is a quote from the email he sent me;

"I'd give up the camera and the bottle just to stand next to you, shitty music or not, and for why I can't quite explain. Take this, and the other letters, and still it's only a fraction of explanation of why I love you."


I knew this was coming. I knew I was about to lose my friend to this evil bitch called love. Love does not conqueror all.. it ruins it

WHHHHAAAAT

What the hell.

So the guy I was dating a few months ago and thought was gay came out of the closet a few days ago........... Yeah I dated a gay guy. I kissed him, and fucked and sucked him. I missed him and wondered why he didnt care about me. I know that has to be a hard thing to handle but excuse me for a half second while I be pissed off that I was lied to and used as his show girlfriend. I have been laughing about it but God.

The Zoo

Surprise!! Things didnt work out with the gay guy.

In other news I went to the zoo on a day date with a guy and his 3 yr old son.
Since we haven't even kissed yet (not saying that we ever will) it was probably way too fast.
I ran into a friend of mine at the zoo who was also on a day date with some girl and her child.
awkward...

Ahh I almost forgot!! I quit drinking. It is not at all easy but something I have to do it I want a better future.

Thats all I have for now.

Oh my. Will I ever be content.

.................................
Recently i presumed dating the very possible gay guy. I am just a glutton for punishment i suppose. The past few weeks with him have been as exciting and sexual as a visit to my grandmother's house. Basically horrible.

In other news. I went on a date with a guy I dated like 2 years ago last night.

He has tried to get back together with me for a while but he kinda hurt me when he ended things with me before and I never forgave him.

Anyways I actually had a great time. He had the whole night planned and i didnt have

to decide for once ever detail of the night. He didnt even tell me where we

were going. I laughed a lot and didnt even drink.

..................................
Speaking of drinking. I have to cut down on drinking a lot. Ive recently realized I

am an alcoholic. I want to go out and not drink. That will be more of the challenge

for me, I can stay home every night and be okay with not drinking but going out is

where i have the problem.
............................................

Change

I have to do something new or I might just lose my mind.



Start working out.

Get a new job.

Stop drinking.

Read more.

Lately beter name to come

Since my last post a lot has happened.

I went to seattle
it was all together lovely

no longer talk to the boy
Why you ask? Idk maybe because lots of people told me he is gay (which would explain the whole "its not you I just cant get off when i use a condom" bullshit) But really its because while in Seattle I realized how little my phone ever rang and it was him on the other line.

I got asked out on a date by this pretty foxy looking guy while i was there and wasn't going to go until 3 days had passed and I hadn't talked to "whatshisface" at all. It may make me sound like a cheata but we weren't committed to each other and dang it I was mad and hurt.

After i got back home things ended between us...... through fucking text messages, which btw I had to do because he wouldnt. He now lives in the same city as me. The first night he got back he saw me with a new guy, whom I'll call redneck (please lord tell me you can figure out why he's called that). We had this talk later on about how he was going to try things with me when he got back and blah blah blah and how i messed all that up blah blah blah. But i say in closing who... really who? in their right mind would want someone the doesnt even value you enough to called you??? not me.