Gay Smiley Face

So things have changed. I've changed not only my hair color but also my major and the path that I am nervously walking down now is one that I feel was made with me in mind. I have to really get on the ball to get my degree and feel like if i worked less that would be a lot easier for me.

Ive been babysitting 4month old twins on the weekends to have extra money. They are so very cute BUT wow!!!!!! infants are no joke!!!!!

I've also been dating this (lots of positive descriptive adjectives) guy. Its been like 3 weeks and he's great from his head to his tippy toes but he lives like 2 and a half hours away (ahh) so that means I have only gotten to see him a handful of times and thats just not enough time with anyone to know if they are genuine. That is all that will be said about him for now.

So I'm sure everyone has heard the saying "God won't give you more than you can take" (or something like that) Well yesterday was a true test to what i can take. Jesse appeared in all parts of my day and although it bugged the shit out of me I endured it and actually ended up having a pretty great day.

I woke up yesterday morning from a dream about him, then saw him on my way to work(which NEVER happens), after a couple stressful hours at work I attempted to blow off some steam on my lunch break and text my sister that I was "having a hard time with the break up today" BUT after sending that message I realized I sent it to Jesse instead.... how embarrassing!! Later on I went to white water for a beer and after having my fill of some guy giving me googly eyes i left and guess what song was playing on the radio when i started up my car... YEP Jesse's Girl. So in closing what a day what a day. But I was okay.

Some days have been hard. Some days I just wanted to lock myself in my apartment and listen to girls singing about their troubles with men and find a way to make each song relate to me and cry like a little worm. But I haven't. I've done this. BLOGGED! It's a little crazy i guess to tell strangers the intament details of my life but it helps to keep me honest about an aspect of my life that i normally lie to myself about. Putting it down in this blog captures even if in only 200 words how i felt. And I'm okay with looking a little crazy if it means that.

This is my last blog about Jesse.

Dating rebound!!!!

Well it's been 3 weeks since "the break up" and Ive been asked out by 7
different guys and not gone out with any of these boys because i just haven't felt ready yet. But this past week a guy asked me out that peaked my interest and I figured it wouldn't hurt to just try. Soo I went on a date with him last night. Right before said date i ran into the ex and guess what .... I didn't explode. The date wasn't that bad. I got to do things that I love like drink and smoke and didnt have to pay for any of it. (god bless those southern gentlemen) He didn't seem to be a douche but ya know every asshole I've ever dated didnt seem like an asshole at first either. But in the end he was, I dont know if it was the fact that he shaved his arms and legs or that he lied about his age or that he lives with his parents, but somehow I figured out the error of my ways and the lack of personal depth in his complete being. So in closing rebound done.

In and out

This blog is really helping me a lot right now.

i blocked my EX boyfriend on facebook today. Not to be a meanie but to help myself. I feel so abandoned right now.

I don't understand how someone can say that they would do anything to get you back one day and the next day (actually a few days later) when you are ready to try to make things right again they don't care.

It's sad.

But nothing that I do can change the way this person feels, so i must suck it up and go on.

When i wake up tomorrow I'm going to be happy, I'm going to get ready for work and be positive.

I'm going to tell everyone that i love that I love them and just breathe because that's all i can do.

But I'm not going to be sad anymore.

I'm not going to sit around wondering what if and having regrets because i don't have any.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Locking the Doors

I did the whole crazy jealous ex girlfriend thing the other day.:(

This may had been avoided had I not started drinking at 3pm on that day but i highly doubt that. So i lost it because this boy that I just broke up with because .. he did some pretty crappy things, this boy told me he loved me, would do anything to get me back and then there he was right in front of my face a week after our break up with his ex-girlfriend. Contrary to what people make think i am not stone and that hurt. As she looked at me and scratched his back i lost it.

There is somebody out there for me... this I'm sure of but i guess he just wasn't the one for me. I want someone who will fight for me because even though he can live without me he doesn't want to and is willing to do anything to make sure that he doesn't have to.

little child

I feel weak. Like a small child who wants something on a high shelf but can not reach it and there is no one around to help me get it.............. so I walk around the house looking for a things I can us as a ladder but i cant find anything but a ricidy old chair so i drag it through the house then i climb on top of it but its old and unstable so it breaks and i fall and no one ever comes home to help me.

Heartbreak is never easy. i never feel it at first. Heartbreak normally blindsides me and leaves me breathless. Right now I'm struggling for air.. i feel hot and the world is in a fog.

The only thing that takes me away is a bath. i think I'll go take 2.

SO here I am again

I don't know how to feel about anything right now. I feel like I have whiplash. No I feel more like Ive been spun around and I'm looking around confused about where my feet are.. where is this place that I have spun into.

Ughh single again.. That's scary. No instant plans for Friday and Saturday. No one to call and bitch about my shitty day at work that has no choice but to listen because if not I can always deny him access. Ha

Change

Life changes everybody knows that. The last four months I have been dating the same boy ands its because of him that i haven't been writing in my blog anymore, i didn't want to only write about the good stuff and leave out all of the bad so I just haven't written at all. We had lots of fun together in the beginning. Went out to dinner twice a week, went drinking countless times, and mostly just enjoyed being together. After about two months he told me he loved me and a week or so later I said i did too. That's when things started getting harder. Saying those words when you aren't sure and really aren't even sure who the person you are saying them to is yet is never a good idea but some how we made it through and then he quit his job... i know what that sounds like and it shouldn't matter but it does.. our lifestyle changed dramatically and things got boring. Still we had great days too. This brings us to this weekend aka my birthday weekend. Friday was my birthday. I worked all day, got a facial, went out to eat with my mother, got things ready for the canoe trip we were going on the next day, and fought with Jesse. Saturday was for the most part much better. The canoe trip was pretty great until the last mile. I'll leave out all the details but it was bad and I ended up leaving along with my sister and good friend Ryker. Had there not been so many beers drank I doubt I would have broken up with him but thats what happened. things change

A Mother's Love

There have been many times in my life when I have taken people for granted. I love my mother and have never questioned that however there have been many times when I have taken her for granted. But during those times when I am screaming and just generally freaking out I never doubt her because I know she will do everything in her power to fix me regardless of the things I have done to get myself in that crazy situation, she never blames me.


RABBIT TRAIL TIME Last year I got dumped. He asked me over to his house and after we talked and I left minutes later my car broke down 2 miles from his house on the side of the interstate.. I swallowed my tears and pride then called for his help and after he dropped me off at my house I called my mother. My mother raced to my house and took care of me and then she worried about the car, and never once said a thing about the money or inconvenience of having to drive me back and forth from work. As for the guy he came crawling back two weeks later.

Final thought... I love my mom.

No DOUBTS

This week hasn't been very eventfully. Sometimes at work I feel like I am too mean to the children in my class. I am constantly getting on to them and it's not really their fault. We have zero supplies, busted toys, and books. So unless I buy things for us to do they get bored and fight and at 7.25 an hour i cant really buy them much. On a much happier note I fell in love with my class this week. Until you teach children you cant really understand that feeling. This is my attempt to explain it. Imagine if you will that you are having a terrible day or better yet, a horrible week and you don't feel like doing anything and during your fit of argue you look up to see one of the kids in your class singing the song that you taught him the day before or maybe a little girl is reading from memory the book that you read to her 3x a day.Your argue washes away and you are immersed in love. All the of stresses from the day wash away and I realize I am exactly where I am supposed to be.


I don't remember ever having dreams about what I wanted to be when I was younger even in High School I had no idea. What I wanted most was to be in love. HA! Now at the age of 23 almost 24 I feel like I have still never been in love. I have been infatuated and woo la la in lust but never love. Of course when I was younger and much more naive there were times when I got lust confused with love a few times.Times when I cried. Although i have said those three words to someone before I just don't believe I have actually ever felt love, not in the romance sense. I have felt love for my life and all the beauty that surrounds me.I am amazed at how beautiful life is.

So since this is a blog about my love life I feel it wouldn't be right unless I included a few details. I am trying to write more honestly about "the romance" and not let the haziness of warm hands and soft lips take over. The word real comes to mind when I think about "the romance" Tomorrow will be three weeks.

Its Monday

This weekend I went to the lake with the boy I have been seeing. I was kinda nervous because spending the weekend out of town with someone often ends in me hating them.... that's just the truth! Well I don't hate him !! Can you believe that shit!! That is all I have to say for now. I am cooking dinner and it's almost done.

Happy

So my last blog was kinda depressing! Wow... another chapter has began. I have been hanging out with some pretty amazing people lately and that includes a new boy. Pretty happy right now and thankful to have this summer break from school. Summer 2010 is going to be great for my sister and me.

First Day

Today is my very first day at my new job. I am going to be teaching Pre-k 1 and I am not near as excited as I expected I would be. I couldn't sleep last night. I just kept thinking about what an idiot I am. I told someone that I think my heart died and I truly feel it may have, either that or I gave it away a long time ago and it has never been given back.

Last night I just kept thinking that I wanted to be held or maybe just wrapped up in the comfort of a letter.

Ruined Friendship

So I haven't blogged in a long time. This is because the beautiful boy I was friends with and myself started dating. He was in so many words wonderful, perfect, educated, raw, handsome, and every other adjective that is positive in any type of way. And I ruined it. It being our friendship. Friendship that is pure and sweet. I suppose I knew what I was doing. It all began the night I dropped him off after going to the this local bar. We were saying goodbye and I gave him that look, the look that you give someone when you want them to kiss you. And so it began.

I did what I always do and told my mother and friends that it was different this time. We wrote each other letters everyday. Every time I opened one of his emails(letters) a sea of black and white filled my laptop screen. Most times I would cry at some point while reading what he wrote. That is how amazing they were and I ate them up word for word. And then it changed as it often does. Things got real or to close or maybe it was because he liked me too much. That idk. All I know is that one day things were amazing and the next day they weren't.

I have this tattoo on my arm its of a heart, like an actual human heart. I got it because i believe that love is a lot like a heart in that

1. Its not perfect

2. If you treat it bad it will get sick

3. If it gets sick you have to work hard to get it strong again

4. sometimes hearts die and have to be replaced

5. sometimes hearts die and cant ever be replaced

And as nice as that all sounds its bullshit because i pretty much never work at love at all. So that's what has been going on with me lately.

New Friends are Like Flowers in Spring

love seat i may be getting


So I have made a new friend. I cant explain how very wonderful it feels to be friends with a man who doesn't pat my ass or stare at my breast and tell me I look good. Instead he says things like he likes my hair or my dress. Little things like that matter. Sometimes you forget how much they matter because you get used to how everyone else acts. I like to think that I don't put up with a lot of this and stand up for myself every time I am confronted by an overly aggressive man but I don't. Sometimes...... actually a lot of times I turn a blind eye to it and walk away.

Back to my new friend. He is one of the strangest people I know but the most normal. I have another male friend that is just as wonderful that I have disconnected with I'm one luck girl to know two men in this crazy city that are as amazing as them.

Once Upon A Time

There once was a girl who believed in love. She didn't believe there is only one perfect person for everyone but she believed that there was someone perfect for her. And so she went on dates. She went on dates with poor guys and rich guys, tall guys and short guys, skinny guys and fat guys, she basically went out with any guy that didn't come off as a complete moron and was somewhat attractive to her. She did this not because she was desperate but because she thought how can I possibly find the one if I don't at least try. AND SO she tried and tried and tried. And it was funny. This girl is me.