SO here I am again

I don't know how to feel about anything right now. I feel like I have whiplash. No I feel more like Ive been spun around and I'm looking around confused about where my feet are.. where is this place that I have spun into.

Ughh single again.. That's scary. No instant plans for Friday and Saturday. No one to call and bitch about my shitty day at work that has no choice but to listen because if not I can always deny him access. Ha

Change

Life changes everybody knows that. The last four months I have been dating the same boy ands its because of him that i haven't been writing in my blog anymore, i didn't want to only write about the good stuff and leave out all of the bad so I just haven't written at all. We had lots of fun together in the beginning. Went out to dinner twice a week, went drinking countless times, and mostly just enjoyed being together. After about two months he told me he loved me and a week or so later I said i did too. That's when things started getting harder. Saying those words when you aren't sure and really aren't even sure who the person you are saying them to is yet is never a good idea but some how we made it through and then he quit his job... i know what that sounds like and it shouldn't matter but it does.. our lifestyle changed dramatically and things got boring. Still we had great days too. This brings us to this weekend aka my birthday weekend. Friday was my birthday. I worked all day, got a facial, went out to eat with my mother, got things ready for the canoe trip we were going on the next day, and fought with Jesse. Saturday was for the most part much better. The canoe trip was pretty great until the last mile. I'll leave out all the details but it was bad and I ended up leaving along with my sister and good friend Ryker. Had there not been so many beers drank I doubt I would have broken up with him but thats what happened. things change

A Mother's Love

There have been many times in my life when I have taken people for granted. I love my mother and have never questioned that however there have been many times when I have taken her for granted. But during those times when I am screaming and just generally freaking out I never doubt her because I know she will do everything in her power to fix me regardless of the things I have done to get myself in that crazy situation, she never blames me.


RABBIT TRAIL TIME Last year I got dumped. He asked me over to his house and after we talked and I left minutes later my car broke down 2 miles from his house on the side of the interstate.. I swallowed my tears and pride then called for his help and after he dropped me off at my house I called my mother. My mother raced to my house and took care of me and then she worried about the car, and never once said a thing about the money or inconvenience of having to drive me back and forth from work. As for the guy he came crawling back two weeks later.

Final thought... I love my mom.

No DOUBTS

This week hasn't been very eventfully. Sometimes at work I feel like I am too mean to the children in my class. I am constantly getting on to them and it's not really their fault. We have zero supplies, busted toys, and books. So unless I buy things for us to do they get bored and fight and at 7.25 an hour i cant really buy them much. On a much happier note I fell in love with my class this week. Until you teach children you cant really understand that feeling. This is my attempt to explain it. Imagine if you will that you are having a terrible day or better yet, a horrible week and you don't feel like doing anything and during your fit of argue you look up to see one of the kids in your class singing the song that you taught him the day before or maybe a little girl is reading from memory the book that you read to her 3x a day.Your argue washes away and you are immersed in love. All the of stresses from the day wash away and I realize I am exactly where I am supposed to be.


I don't remember ever having dreams about what I wanted to be when I was younger even in High School I had no idea. What I wanted most was to be in love. HA! Now at the age of 23 almost 24 I feel like I have still never been in love. I have been infatuated and woo la la in lust but never love. Of course when I was younger and much more naive there were times when I got lust confused with love a few times.Times when I cried. Although i have said those three words to someone before I just don't believe I have actually ever felt love, not in the romance sense. I have felt love for my life and all the beauty that surrounds me.I am amazed at how beautiful life is.

So since this is a blog about my love life I feel it wouldn't be right unless I included a few details. I am trying to write more honestly about "the romance" and not let the haziness of warm hands and soft lips take over. The word real comes to mind when I think about "the romance" Tomorrow will be three weeks.

Its Monday

This weekend I went to the lake with the boy I have been seeing. I was kinda nervous because spending the weekend out of town with someone often ends in me hating them.... that's just the truth! Well I don't hate him !! Can you believe that shit!! That is all I have to say for now. I am cooking dinner and it's almost done.

Happy

So my last blog was kinda depressing! Wow... another chapter has began. I have been hanging out with some pretty amazing people lately and that includes a new boy. Pretty happy right now and thankful to have this summer break from school. Summer 2010 is going to be great for my sister and me.

First Day

Today is my very first day at my new job. I am going to be teaching Pre-k 1 and I am not near as excited as I expected I would be. I couldn't sleep last night. I just kept thinking about what an idiot I am. I told someone that I think my heart died and I truly feel it may have, either that or I gave it away a long time ago and it has never been given back.

Last night I just kept thinking that I wanted to be held or maybe just wrapped up in the comfort of a letter.